To the mom of a molested child

Dear Mom,

I don't know how to say this to you. I know your hurting and every time I see you cry I feel like its my fault. Every time someone mentions that your going through a hard time, I feel like its my fault. When you cry in the shower, I feel like its my fault. I know your going through something, but this didn't happen to you, it happened to me. I want to be there for you, and I want to help you get through this, but my innocence was taken not yours. I am trying to find myself in all of this, I can't help you. So if I get quiet, if I stay distant, its because I am trying to heal, and I can't heal helping you. I need you to help me. You can't get mad at me, your not allowed. My world fell apart as a child who needs and rely's on your wisdom and guidance to get through this, but if your going to fall apart and make me feel like your pain is my fault than I can't go to you.  I will look somewhere else. 

- signed the art of me to scared to say it

Very few people know who I am, I sign off every piece of writing as the "Art of Me", because I truly feel that is what God did, He worked me into art. But I also did this to ensure my family is protected as God asked me to be painfully transparent and vulnerable in these post.  There are secrets that carry shame and I wanted to honor my parents and my family by protecting them as much as I can.

I actually had a hard time writing this as I envision the women on the other side of this seeing the title and knowing this is for her. But know that I do not write this to hurt you, I am only writing this to give you hard truths, which will not at first feel good, but you will see, eventually it will give you hope.

I was about eight years when it started, and it didn't stop till I was about eleven or twelve. I won't go into details as its not important and its not healthy for me to think of such things. But I was recently asked by a mom who said,

How do you get over it? 

The answer is you don't. You never forget what happened to you. Its part of you forever, but it doesn't define me. I am not a doctor, or a therapist, but its my story and I can tell you my recovery process and say the best advice is not to make it about you, it’s about the child. Some moms get so consumed with revenge, others justice, but at the end of the day..... it still happened and you can't undo it. Some pretend it didn't happen and I can honestly say I resented those who pretended not to know because they were to scared to protect me.

I also felt like garbage, and for a long time I didn't practice boundaries because my boundaries were violated so young. I didn't protect my purity either because it was stripped from me without my consent. I didn’t understand what was happening either.  I felt like there was nothing to protect so I allowed everything and anything till I was an empty shell laying on the roof of my home tanning, hoping to fall asleep and roll off by accident because I was too scared to slit my wrist or take my life.

I was a fragile human being and I needed to grieve, I needed counseling, I needed guidance and I needed pure unconditional love as I was lost, confused, broken but seeking answers to the "why me?" I was so lost and confused I couldn’t pin point where it all went wrong the only thing I knew was that....

I was the problem 

So mom, I need you to pull it together. I know you're going through a hard time, but God gave you your child and entrusted you, knowing you could handle this. So if you don’t believe in yourself believe in Gods ability to pull you through.

I learned something in a Purity+ Peace Bible study and its the stages of grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

We can get stuck in any of the first four, but real recovery came when I accepted it and then forgave. I know that's hard to hear, but its honest. It didn't happen over night, it was a process, so please respect the process. Give it time and remain hopeful, your child needs to see hope. But this needs to be in her or his time, and choice. The worst thing you could tell me at the time was that if I wanted to heal that I would have to forgive the man who stole my identity and innocence. 

Yet, it was the right answer as it was a scary leap of faith to forgive. However, once on the other side of facing my fear and forgiving, I found peace.

Healing had begun, but the scars all remained, they just no longer hurt me.

I'm not telling you to avoid justice. God is a just God and demands justice. But at the end of the day hurt people hurt people and even the monster has a past that lead him or her to that horrible choice. They need healing too.

God placed me in a position where I looked at the man who I hated for years as a victim too, and I prayed for him and his healing. It is all so hard to explain, but I guess that's God for you.

All I can say is that in forgiveness God restored my family, mended the relationship with parents, and restored me and used me after to help others.

The best thing you could do for your child, is don't make it about you and pray for your child. I banked on my mothers prayers and I don't think I would be able to communicate this if she hadn't prayed all those years for me not truly understanding what I was going through.
Prayer is the hand that moves the hand of God. Just Pray.

To the person who was molested carrying the heavy secret, I understand your pain and I'm praying for you. You are not the problem, you are the victim and you won't be a victim forever, one day you will be the over comer. Go to God.

-The Art of Me