You can’t start something on a lie and expect it to walk on truth

I normally post only once a week, but this came up in my time feed and I felt God pull at my heart to share. 

“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.”

I love that saying; I really hope my shame serves a purpose. Because this post, will be shameful.

I didn’t tell you how my first marriage ended. 

I didn’t speak on it at all. And out of respect for my grown adult children I will be scarce in the information that I share because it is their father. I will in no way disrespect or disgrace him. We married way too young. I met him in a difficult moment in my life and he poured love into me, so much so that in my young naïve mind I had to keep it, and do all that I could to keep it. We were teenagers, I was only 15 years old when I got pregnant with our first child. The pressure he received being so young and having to provide for a family pushed him into a corner of fear. He like many others turned to the drink to comfort himself from reality. It was too much for him, and I do forgive him for all the things he did.

But this isn’t about him, it’s about me and how I screwed things up for my family. I was eighteen years old for just a day when I gave birth to my son. Things were a mess and we were not surrounded by good friends (yup I said it) we were not. My girlfriend’s council was “dump his a….” and his friends said, “She tried to tie you up with a baby dude, she ruined your life, there is better out there for you”. There was resentment all over the place. So many horrible things happened and I was angry, all the time I was angry. His marriage proposal was under pressure. “we have kids and I have no solid commitment from you, I know you're not going to be there for me or your children”. So one day he picked me up from work on our way to get the kids and said, “Lets do it, lets get married and make things right”. Key word, “lets make things right”. We forced things that were not meant to be and we were stuck and asking God to bless it. We wanted God to sign off on our mistakes. To take this wrong and make it right and the best way was a marriage licence. 

I don’t even remember our anniversary date, but I do remember the date of our divorce August 13, 2004. Here is where I introduce to you, Juan. He was tall, nerdy and sweet. And I knew when he started to catch feelings for me.  I didn’t put him in his place either. I deserved happiness; I was miserable and I already filed for the divorce. But I wasn’t divorced yet. They say divorce is the second most traumatizing thing to experience second to death. I was coping fine because I had someone waiting for me. 

I hid it as much as I could and odd thing is that when my family found out they were excited, they felt like, “This is it! The drama ends finally she is leaving him”. Yeah there was that much drama, sadly. It was so bad my family celebrated an affair. Lets call it what it was because we were not divorced yet. The paperwork was in, but it was not final. I was cheating. I was the cheater. I just teared up writing that. But you have to take accountability and I knew better and I know better now. I was wrong. My ex was devastated when he found out, he made life even more impossible for me. Can you blame him?

Juan had just graduated from the university and he was full of promises. And I will never forget the day he pulled away from a kiss and said, “I have something to say. I know its horrible timing but I have to get it off my chest. I love you. I love you so much I want to marry you. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.” He giggled while following up with “I am going to buy you the biggest house, the house of your dreams and your kids are going to go to the best schools and we are moving out of Bridgeport”  I just laughed at his excitement then he got on one knee, “Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me”.  In that moment I can honestly say I loved Juan. He represented my rescue. It was a love story. He was my night in shining armor and I was going to seize the moment and scream, “YES”. Oh the butterflies I had, I could barely sleep dreaming about our future. No more drama, no more alcohol abuse, no more infidelity, no more insecurities, my dreams were coming true.

What went wrong?

All the motivation was there to leave, and I did it. I am in the courtroom. I did it, I got divorced, it was no longer talk, it was all real and it killed me. I didn’t know it would hurt so badly. I was the one filing for a divorce , this was my choice and when the judge made his final call “Marriage dissolved” all the memories of everything good flooded me and took my breath away, and my ribs closed in suffocating my heart into a tight gripped cage. I couldn’t breath, literally. Fear, Regret, Consequences they all flooded me. My ex took grip of my hand and asked if I was OK and I couldn’t talk. The judge asked that my ex remove me from the court room as there were more people waiting to get divorced in line; we were done. Like I got served my deli meat or something, "get out of line... next!"There was a line up of people behind us getting divorced. 

 I cried like if he had died and he was standing in front me. Regret sunk in but there was no turning back now, it was officially, legally over. When you marry you become one, when you divorce your life is ripped apart. My kids were at camp so the next few days were all tears and dodging my family that was celebrating that it was final. I needed to mourn. Juan didn’t understand this. He stood by patiently waiting for me to run back to him but when my life was ripped apart I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I didn’t know how to be me. The “me” I loved was lost and for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. I was scared I lost her in the divorce too. 

I tried to get it together, Juan was ready and it seemed like he had a timeline I had to meet. But my daughter was dealing with anger issues with the divorce and my son, separation anxiety.  This was bigger than me so I asked him to just be patient.

Time passed but we were not where we expected to be. Juan started a new job, he was the boss and it required long hours at the office so I barely saw him anymore but we were together. Then one day he came home and said, “we need to talk”. I knew it was not going to be good so I interrupted him with a kiss and was trying to seduce him into a romantic evening to forget all that was going on but he pushed me away then a tear fell down his face and I knew. I knew he found someone else. So I blurted it out, “who is she?”. “I work with her, I didn’t expect this to happen, you have to believe me. I was fully invested in us, you have to understand”. I wish I could say that I handled this with “I understand Juan, you are me a few months ago” but I didn’t. I was lost and my only reaction was to scream, “Get out!” while pounding on his chest pushing him towards the door. He was crying I was crying and I pushed him right out the door, out of my life.

You can’t start something on a lie and expect it to walk on truth. Can't walk on faulty foundation either.  Everything came full circle to smack me in the face. Its easier to cope when your the one hurting people. But when you hurt people you only hurt yourself in the end. I was left alone. Some would call it Karma, but I call it lesson learned. Its really important to start relationships on truth. I have yet to meet anyone who started a relationship in a lie end up happily every after. When something starts on lies, you realize, "Well this is how we started so I know he or she is capable" and the spirit of insecurity will always linger in all that you do together.

I wish I could say I got it right after that but I didn’t. There were more mistakes. You know doing it over and over again expecting different results. (insane)

But once you call it for what it is, take responsibility for it and confess it, it just doesn’t have that same type of power anymore. But you have to own your part in it. The blame game doesn't work. 

The best part about  all this looking back I can't say my ex was the only one to blame for our failed attempt at marriage, I was a mess too. I spent years justifying them by comparing them to his mistakes, but that's pride and God opposes the proud and I needed God's intervention badly. So I had to own it.  We can chalk it up to being young and stupid but the pain carries well into your years and affects every relationship after, whether you know it or not its there if it doesn't heal. 

Here is the evidence, the fruit of healing from your past. 

The New years of 2016 rolling into 2017, my beloved husband (we call him Clark- my Superman) and I spent it with our families, and it included my children's father and his new family. No drama, just love and peace. That is how the God I serve rolls. He restores all that was stolen from you if you trust Him. I trust Him.